ashleenichole2

Story of my life...

School is so stressful right now. There is just so much going on in my life that is making everything difficult. I'm trying to pull my studies together and buckle down and focus in school and I just cant do it. First I got sick and missed a bunch of class, then i got in a really bad car accident and missed another week.. now I'm trying to play catch up and I'm failing at it. On top of it all I keep having nightmares and flashbacks from my accident and they are tearing me apart and there is nothing I can do about it. I have only driven a few times since I rolled my car and I'm "okay" with it (driving). It's just... Idk. I can't explain it. I'm tired of not sleeping... I'm failing at everything that I am trying to do right now. I got a new job as a waitress and I love it. But, ever since I started working my relationship just seems to be going down hill. I don't know why. But, we have started fighting almost on a daily basis about everything... it's almost like I cant make him happy... Like I'm just not good enough. I'm trying... but I don't think he sees it or understands everything. I feel like no matter what i do its the wrong thing and I can't win. And it's not like i don't want to be with him... I'm in love with him... I just... idk what to do anymore... He can't take anymore of the fighting. I can't take anymore of it mentally. I cry myself asleep because I am afraid I am going to lose him and I keep having nightmares. I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up. Just like I fuck everything up...

I'm not one to talk about my problems or what I am thinking about because I am scared that Ill get laughed at, or shut out, or ignored... and sometimes I just need someone that will be there and reassure me that everything will be okay... cause right now I feel like nothing is okay. All I want to do is cry. ( and I don't cry ever). I just.... idk

So there is so0o0o0o0o0 much going on right now and I haven't been on here in forever :( So a little catch up. I'm currently in California with my dad on a business trip. I we left on the 20th and we won't be home until the 1st. However, I am ready to be home... I'm starting to miss my boys way to much. on top of being homesick (which I have never been until now) then to top is all off my uncle is having health issues with his Alzheimer's. So I'm super stressed out about that... all I know is I am ready to go home and be in my mans arms again.. and try to get some real sleep again. I miss him :(

"Ok, I have been through this a million times and I thought I could deal with it but to be honest with you I can't. You have been telling me for months that you took care of the audrey situation but instead you have been lying to me / us. I now understand all the late nights and the mass amount of mileage on the car. I know the person you think you are is not the person you truly are but you can't see that, you are not who you think. So bottom line is if you choose to continue to go down that path than I cannot support it, I thought I could but I can't so the choice is yours to make do you realize your childhood dreams with your family or not! I am sorry but that is just the way its going to be! "

This is total bullshit.

1. I have been working late which is why I have not been home. I have NOT been going to see ANYONE other then my BOSS at WORK.

2. I am me whether you like it or not

3. I just need someone to be there for me. I would kill for a family that would love me no matter what. that's all I need in life...

4. Maybe just because I am not the person you want me to be does not mean that I am not me.

Im not ure how else to react to this.. all I know is I have a million feelings going through my head and body right now.

Anger, sadness, broken, torn, lost, confused, pain, hurt, upset, pissed off... you name it I think I'm feeling it right now...

Idk what to do.

Part of me wishes I was considered normal While part of me LOVES that Im unique Then again there is a small part of me that wishes I was never born...

I want to be accepted. I want to stop hiding. I want to be loved. I want to be cared for. want to be ME!

Idk if that is really something that can happen. But, i haven't really been sleeping lately. Okay, that's a lie. My night and day are fucked up. Like, I sleep in all day and then don't sleep at night. I have had a really good day today and I'm not super stressed that I know of... it could all be in my subconscious. I got to ride Andi again :) I love that little pony. Audrey and I are doing great. I'm caught up on my homework just working on things due later this week... yeah everything is going pretty great. But, the family thing is just being ignored... not sure if that is a good thing. But, I'm not bringing it up and I feel it is better if they don't either... Idk what is going to happen there. However, I need to get a good job. Like MAJOR. Um, haven't heard back from NJ so idk what is going on there. If I don't get that job I'm probably going to stay and take summer classes, work at the ranch, and try to make money.... I'm trying to plan a trip to Cape Cod with the girl and girls :) that should be so much funnnn :D

Hm. yeah i think that's it for now...

How can you yell at me for doing things when you turn around and so the same.... you know that you were not going to be going home at 12 you know that you were planning on staying so why didn't you just say that you were just stay... like wtf. Then on top of it.. you start stripping just because you wanted to make everyone laugh...and you just act like its nothing like its not a big deal...and then you don't understand why I get upset over this kind of shit.. ugh whatever. I guess there are things in life I will just never understand.

But I can't get any sleep...

Actually this is a rant about a lot of things that have been bothering me… so maybe the title should be different…. Whatever.
So, these past few weeks…. Maybe even the past month has been a month from hell! Let’s start with my physical problems.
So, about a month ago I fucked up my rotator cuff in my shoulder of my left arm so I have not been able to do anything at the barn. Then a week ago I go slammed in the face and almost fractured my nose. I have been having on and off knee problems like always. And physical therapy sucks!
Mentally, my family and I are falling apart. I came out to my dad over thanksgiving thinking that he would support me and help me out when I needed him… I was wrong. Instead, when I need him most he says fix it or we will leave you alone... and I mean totally alone. I pay for my own school, car, horse, EVERYTHING! FUCK!
^^That is NOT getting any better^^
Then there is school… oh how lovely college is… HA BULLSHIT NO it suckssss!!!! And I don’t know what to do. I have been falling apart. I’m not happy. I don’t enjoy anything here… at all.
Then the barn… pony is doing FANTASTICCCC  however, I’m not enjoying going out to the barn. (Not shady pines I enjoy going there) but the other barn. I’m not happy out there, I’m not enjoying riding, I’m not learning anything because I have not been able to ride because of my arm, and I just don’t feel like I am getting any help… I feel like I am getting pushed around. I’m scared of the horse that I’m riding and I can’t physically ride him because of his size… so that just really screws me over... I wish I had my old pony back
On top of everything else… my life is just one big hypocritical lie. I’ll explain this one…
Dad says I can tell him anything and he will support me then I do and he doesn’t (LIE)
We are told to ask questions but when we do we get in trouble…
I’m told that looking in the mirrors is rude and disrespectful yet when my horse is crooked I get in trouble because I’m not looking in the mirrors to see if he is straight.
I’m told to not ride or lunge but if the person working my horse isn’t in the ring on time I get in trouble…
I’m told to rest my arm but if I’m not doing anything I get yelled at
I’m told not to turn my horse out if he is running in the mud but get in trouble if he doesn’t go out
I’m told that riding should be fun and enjoyable when I am experiencing neither currently.
We’re told to ask questions and have discussions with the teachers but if we do we get made fun of and ridiculed behind our backs.
Were told that we can talk to the instructor about anything and it is between us but the next day everyone knows about it.
You’re asked to tell them what you want to do with your life EX. I want to ride and train ponies…then they assign you the biggest draft horse in the barn.
This just goes on and on and on and on and on
I don’t know what it takes to be happy here but it’s just not working right now.

I’m in the middle of a job search. I had one for the summer… really really nice job was going to pay a few grand… however I have been getting thrown around and don’t know if I have it or not. If I don’t end up getting the job I’m planning on taking summer classes to catch up with my pre-vet stuff…. And I’m going to find a local job also.

Um, and I’m sick and tired of everyone fighting with everyone. Especially over stupid things like clubbing, smoking, seeing people, talking to people, someone texting someone else etc JUST STOP!

I am also sick and tired of friends who decide all of a sudden they are going to go against their relationship and their 2 best friends to try to “help” one person. Especially when that person called your partner a bitch and a slut… and then turns around and calls your 2 best friends every name in the book while starting a bunch of rumors…. Its bullshit you have a better head on your shoulders then that… you know better than to go over there…. So don’t.
I had this nice long rant about helping others and getting help in return and getting usssedddd but I feel like that should be save for another night… time for bed.

nighttt

Mental Breakdown

Haha more or less. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm falling apart. School is driving me up the wall. I feel like I'm driving my friends nuts! I can't be independent because my parents won't let me have a car so this means I'm unable to get a job. and because I am not able to get a job I am not able to provide for myself. So I owe people money and THAT DRIVES ME INSANE! I can't provide for my horse because my dad won't let me do shit! Ugh. What the fuck ever. I just I don't know how I can deal with this anymore. I need to get some sort of a job ASAP or I'm going to be screwed! Well, Im going to go clean... and try to relax. To prevent another break down like this afternoon:(

Piss me off... For example, I'm in line at a CHRISTIAN concert and my brother showed up just after me. So him and his friends came to join me in line. They guy behind us started shit with them and me. And was all like "are you guys cutting??" Etc etc. So me being the wonderful Christian am told him that he and his group could cut in front of us. (Keep in mind he also had a whole group come up and cut to be with them.) Then when the doors opened the mother fucker cut in front of EVERYONE and ran to the front of the line and through the door... Fucking hypocrite!! Suck my cock!


I feel better :)